I found this on the LAF/Beautiful Womanhood site. I just have to sit and shake my head in disbelieve after reading this very confounding article from NPR, yet I know from personal experience the insanity that 20-somethings are falling into today. Do they not want to get married because they can’t afford it or because if they can’t have their fantasy they just don’t want to have anything, and how do children factor into their logic? How is it that a child isn’t a financial liability, but marriage is? AND THESE PEOPLE ARE GETTING COLLEGE DEGEES!
Enjoy the article below, or cringe at what it divulges, and then read my response below. Don't be scared away from the article because of the website name. They bring up some very important point that aren't getting asked.
http://www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com/feminism-related-issues/unmarried-with-kids-a-shift-in-the-working-class/
Why are younger generations not getting married but still having children?
A recent NPR article explores this question. One brilliant interviewee says:
“‘A lot of people, I think, see marriage as a piece of paper,’ says Mellissa. ‘A piece of paper that costs a lot of money to change.’ She laughs and explains that she means divorce.”
Her boyfriend says:
"‘For me,’ says Andrew, ‘it feels unsafe heading into a marriage, where two people rely on each other, to go into it unprepared. In my family, my mother never worked, and my dad's income was always very sufficient to support our family. I'd like to model that in my life.’”
In other words, Mellissa figures she will likely get divorced so why bother getting married? But did she intend to have children anyway? Isn’t splitting up just as ugly with a child, possibly uglier, regardless of a marriage license or not?
Her ever so brilliant boyfriend thinks that it is a bad idea to go into marriage financial unprepared but living with his girlfriend or fathering doesn’t count?! He wants things to be just perfect for marriage, with him being the working dad and Mellissa being the stay-at-home mom. What do you think Jr. will say to knowing that he was conceived out of wedlock and his parents lived in sin while they got their college degrees?
Where do they find these people?
I wonder if Mellissa and Andrew even intended to get pregnant or if that was just an “accident” that happened due to the act of sex. Funny how sex results in children! Hmmm…never thought about that did you Mellissa and Andrew?
Putting their stupidity aside…
There are other statistics that say that divorce rates are dropping. Is that because people who would have gotten married and then divorced aren’t getting married in the first place?
USA Today makes this exact point:
“… The national per capita divorce rate has declined steadily since its peak in 1981 and is now at its lowest level since 1970...”
“Some experts say relationships are as unstable as ever — and divorces are down primarily because more couples live together without marrying…”
“… The marriage rate has dropped by nearly 30% in past 25 years; and Americans are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did in 1970.”
The marriage rate has dropped by 30% and divorces are down to their lowest levels at 37%. Interesting tidbit there.
That being said, why is it that these crazy kids who want to live together but not get married want to have children? Why do they continue to have children even though they are literally planning not to stay with the other parent? Do they feel a divine right to do so? Do they fantasize that a child will unite them? Or do they just not give it much thought until the deed is done?
That is my bet right there. They aren’t planning on having children. I have no proof, but I would bet some dough that Mellissa and Andrew didn’t intend on their little bundle of joy popping before they were married.
So what about those few people who did intend to have children (putting aside the teenagers who have their heads up their rears)? Why do they not want to do get married?
I think it goes back to what Mellissa said (as idiotic as it may seem). They don’t want to be bothered with divorce. They want to pack their bags and go when the relationship no longer is worth the effort. After all, weddings are fun! Who wouldn’t want to have a wedding! Divorces on the other hand, often cost just as much or more than a wedding and nobody throws you a party…usually.
They are living in Hotel de Disneyland if they believe that it is cheaper to have a custody hearing than it is to get a divorce?
Are they concerned at all about the child’s feelings? Do they think a child would care if there was a piece of paper stating that their parents were married or not when they are having to pack up their belongings and having to say goodbye to mom or dad to go live somewhere else? Do they actually believe that a child is fine whether their parents live together or not?
Do they believe if they don’t stay together they can amicably share custody of Jr.? Do these people ever stop to think that they might not end up with shared custody because this person that was not good enough to marry wasn’t good enough to be a co-parent either? And who wants to share custody anyway? Why would you bring a child into this world only to share her 3 out of 7 days a week, 6 out of 12 weeks or just on summer vacation? Do they think the child wants to be shared between two people who don’t really care about each other or loved by two parents who love each other?
There are more than enough statistics to prove that children do far better in life when living with both of their biological married parents. Google it if you don’t believe me.
On the upside, that does free up every other weekend so that you can go out and have “adult time”.
But, you see this issue has nothing to do with what is best for their children, it has everything to do with what is best for the parents, or so they believe.
The motivating factor overall is selfishness. People don’t want to go through the trouble of staying married so they don’t get married in the first place. They don’t want to give up the act of sex either so they pretend to use “protection”. At some point the condom doesn’t work or the pill is forgotten. They end up with children they didn’t intend to have with people they didn’t intend to marry.
Let’s put this forward: If your partner isn’t worth marrying and committing YOUR life to, why are they worthy of being your child’s parent? Good genes? This person is going to be in your child’s and your life forever whether you like it or not. They are going to influence your child’s personality, habits, and values. They are going to help form and shape them from the ground up for better or worse, present or not.
Don’t you think a good test of being a parent is how good of a spouse they are? Don’t you think that if they can commit to you that would be a pretty good indicator of what kind of parent they are going to be?
Something to toss around.
I have heard homeschoolers tell of the uncomfortable questions about socialization, but I had never really experienced that much of it. Most people do ask about how we get it, but no one ever assumes they don't get it. Most of the time they are just asking the question becasue of the misinformation they have been given and I am happy to clarify how homeschool socialization is actually far superior to public school socialization. A couple of weeks ago I had to attend a funeral for a great-aunt. After the visitation some of our family went out to eat dinner. I sat next to a cousin I don’t often visit with. She is a very nice woman, lots of fun as far as I can tell. It came up that we homeschool our children. She leaned in close, shielded her mouth with her hand, and whispered “But what about socialization?” It was as if she was cursing without regard to my children’s presence. However the “S” word was just too much for their innocent ears to hear.
I told her, without regard to my children hearing, that we do a lot of socializing through church, sports, and clubs. The children get as much socialization as is good for them. I also mentioned that unlike school, I can control the socializing. I told her that homeschool isn’t like it used to be when homeschoolers were relative shut-ins. (Was it ever really like that? I don’t know.) Overall, I didn’t do the argument justice, but I just wasn’t in the mood to explain basic child sociology to her.
She seemed to be relatively understanding after I explained it to her, but she obviously had more on her mind she wanted to say but didn’t. It wasn’t really the time or place to go too deep into the subject. However, it just keeps popping back into my mind, the way she said it as if it were a dirty word. I think it was probably innocent enough, but what possessed her to behave that way? Has she heard stories about homeschoolers being backwards? Has she heard something about my children specifically? Now I am getting all weirded out by it.
I am coming to the conclusion that non-homeschoolers look at us, hear our opinions on education and socialization, and assume that we are criticizing them personally. Instead of them hearing, “My child wasn’t learning good social behavior, she was learning to follow the crowd,” they hear “Your child is one of the ones who were leading my child astray” or “You are doing a disservice to your children by not homeschooling them.” In reality, I could care less whether other people homeschool or not just as long as they do not take my right to homeschool away. I do believe that most families could benefit from homeschooling, and that society in general could benefit from more homeschooled children. However, my job right now isn’t to change the world—it is to prepare my children to live in but remain separate from the world. Sending my children to public school was working in conflict with that goal, but that is only in reflection.
I feel the need to clarify…again…why we homeschool.
Our decision to homeschool had more to do with academics and less to do with the social aspects of school. We could see that there were going to be some problems in the future, but overall, the children our daughter went to school with were mostly good kids. We were having issues with institutional learning in general. They were not able to address our child’s needs without making her feel like she was not as intelligent or that there was something wrong with her. We felt we could address her academic needs in less time, with less hassle, and more effectively than they could, plus we were in a position to do so. We were right!
School became her god. I haven’t been able to put that into words until now, but that is exactly what it was like. Her life revolved around school completely. When she got home she had homework to do, a lot of homework, too much homework for a second grader who just spent 9 hours away from home (one hour bus ride to and from although we only live about 7 minutes from school). She was usually very tired and had a hard time focusing. She behaved for the teacher better than she behaved for me. She wanted to be with her school friends more than she desired to be with family and other friends. She was socialized, all right – socialized to function in school only. School invaded our family time through after-school functions and homework. School not only was her god, but it was becoming our whole family’s god. We had to schedule every aspect of our life around school. My husband’s work interfered less with our home life than school did. However, even knowing this, it was very low on our reasons for homeschooling because we were still stuck in the mainstream mindset that accepts public school as a god. I knew I didn’t like it, but I just accepted it as the way it was.
My husband and I simply decided to reject that model. Call us rebels, anti-establishment, or whatever. We have a saying around our house: If it doesn’t work, don’t participate in it. Life is too short to waste time on things that don’t work. From everything I have observed institutionalized learning doesn’t work in the long term, and often in the short term. You have seen the news reports so I won’t go into great detail here, but our school system is ranked very low in math and science, our children are killing one another in those schools, and they can’t even answer basic history facts that are crucial to understand if the American dream is to stay alive. That isn’t “working”, it is failing. What about how the American family is so dysfunctional that we call dysfunctional normal now? Our children spend the better part of their day in school. Why don’t we look at that model and question whether or not is at least partially responsible for these problems?
Why would I continue to participate? Somebody explain to me why it is good to keep supporting a system like that?
“OH, but the children! What will they do all day long if we didn’t have public school?”
Get a job! Work on the farm! Learn at home! That is significantly more productive than what they are doing now.
Are homeschoolers judging? YES! We are judging that we don’t want to participate in that system any more. Does that mean we think we are smarter than my cousin who asked about socialization? Maybe, maybe not. What we ARE is willing to reject what doesn’t work in our lives. Why does it have to be any more than that?
How many kids do you know that come out of public school being totally socially retarded (this probably isn’t PC)? Why is it that if they aren’t social butterflies that that means they are less than those who are? If you are a Christian you will love them regardless of whether they know how to appropriately schmooze. You will see the beauty of their soul and be thankful society hasn’t ruined them yet.
In our culture we spend entirely too much energy judging people on their social potential. That is what this comes down to, doesn’t it? If they aren’t socially gifted, regardless of how smart they are, or how good of a person they are, they won’t be able to live an upper middle class life, or maybe they won’t have beautiful friends, or maybe they might marry someone ugly. Who the heck cares? How about this? You worry about your family; you work on preparing your children to be Godly wives, husbands, and parents and I will do the same for mine. When you have it all figured out, write a book.
I wrote a piece recently that was a counter attack to an article I read, The Femivore’s Delima . It was a long and grueling piece and I am afraid that most of the points I wanted to make about homemaking were lost in the length. This is my attempt to summarize why homemaking is a legitimate career and needs to be celebrated.
Do you want a rewarding career and high pay? Don’t read further if you do?
We are seeking a homemaker to work and be on call 24/7, 365 days a year. This woman will be the manager of the home: insuring that the home is clean, the people in the family are well taken care of, and the logistics of the home run smoothly. Often this job entails tasks like shopping, cooking, cleaning, minor (possibly major) first aid, teaching, mending, laundering, gardening, and dealing with bodily fluids (of other people on you). A successful candidate will have proven skills in patience, communication, meeting deadlines, and being able to adjust to new and different situation on a moment-to-moment basis while still accomplishing the day’s regular routine. Potential homemakers should not expect any rewards or acclimates. If income is required the candidate will need to hold down a second job (often a full-time job) while still accomplishing all tasks necessary to be considered successful at homemaking. Lazy, selfish, self-centered people need not apply.
If you would have read this job description before you got married and chose to be a stay-at-home mom would you have made the decision to do it? Wouldn’t you rather work in a corporation where the pay is great, you receive awards for a job well done, and they have casual day only on Fridays? No poop. No goop. And no croup.
Feminists would have you believe that unless you get pay raises and vacations you don’t deserve as much respect as those who do. We even try to argue, “Well, I have a degree so I am as smart as you, I just have a higher calling?” Why do we feel we need to justify ourselves? Isn’t our job just as important?
Why ARE we so undervalued?
Because, we are looking to others to value us! We are valuable. God created each of us for a purpose and with loving hands. If you need to look any further than your own backyard, Dorothy, you are going to be sorely disappointed.
Each homemaker brings her unique personality into homemaking. Some raise chickens and grow organic produce, others shop at the supermarket. Some teach their children, others volunteer at the local school to help the teachers that their tax dollars pay for. Some work in high-rise office buildings, some work from their kitchen tables. Some are liberal, some are conservative. Some are poor, some are rich. Some are Muslim, some are Christian. Regardless of our personal convictions and political preferences, we are the same in one way; we believe we can best serve this world by serving our families first.
Sometimes we discredit ourselves. We say things like, “I am just a stay-at-home mom,” or “I don’t work for a living.” What are we doing?! Why would we discredit ourselves like that? They don’t need any more ammunition, do they?
Our profession is noble and righteous and always has been.
I am not trying to judge those who can’t have this lifestyle. Some times in life, “Crap happens.” We don’t have a choice to be a 2 parent family. We don’t have a choice but to put our kids in a daycare.” And, the only way our home is going to get clean is to hire someone to do it for us because we want to focus on being with our children instead of scrubbing the toilets. I get it and I am not talking about YOU!
I am sick to death of reading articles and seeing talking heads on T.V. telling me to be a complete person I need to have a job, have a degree, and sacrifice the well-being of my family for my own.
If it weren’t for homemakers who would do the laundry? Who would cook dinner? Who would pack lunches? Who would take the kids to the doctor? Who would clean the house? Who would help the kids with their homework? Who would pay the bills? Would do the shopping? Who would volunteer at church? Who would go to PTA meetings? Who would meet with the teachers? Who would be the home school teachers? Who would walk the dog? Who would take the dog to the vet? Who would take the library books back? Who would give the kids a bath? Shall I go on?
Homemakers: Don’t absorb the worldly view that you are less because you choose to serve your family. You are unique and beautiful. Your purpose is true and good. You don’t need to be anything than what you are to be important. Love your husbands and celebrate them for the sacrifice they make for your well-being. Love your children and keep them with you for as long as you can and don’t entrust their lives to the government. Make your homes clean and beautiful with what you have and don’t feel ashamed because your home won’t be published in House Beautiful. Value yourself; don’t wait for someone else to do it for you. Know that you don’t walk this life alone. There are millions of women exactly like you, doing exactly what you do every day. We can’t all be wrong
